I am wondering who out there would like to start a conversation about boys and video games.
I know I am potentially throwing gas on a fire here, but I’m willing to take a risk in order to find some help for myself, but also help others who are perplexed at how much screen time to allow their boys.
My son will be seven this May and this past Christmas we received a Wii as a gift, along with several games. After returning a couple items he didn’t want or like, he had enough funds to also purchase his own copy of Super Mario Bros.
After reading Dr. Leonard Sax’s excellent book, Boys Adrift, I was convinced that video games for boys can become an unhealthy, consuming addiction. I agree with Dr. Sax that it is ok to let boys play video games but to allow only short times each day for them to play…like 45 minutes. The author talks about a boy’s “will to power” that gets fed as he plays video games over and over again. The boy has a pull to be “powerful” but instead of exercising his will in the physical realm, it’s done vicariously through the screen.
I would not be as concerned as I am with my own son if he also liked to play and engage in physical pursuits, but nearly all of his conversations have to do with the imaginary world of Mario and Luigi. He is on a basketball team and taking swimming lessons, and his attention span to these physical sports is not nearly as intense as it is when he plays video games. I am concerned that he is getting hooked.
I played my fair share of video games growing up–Atari mostly. I am sure my parents thought it a bit unwise bringing one of these machines into the home when I was ten. Now, I’m the parent and while I try to play Wii with my son in order to have some connection time with him, he stands head and shoulders above me in terms of skill and play. He really loves it when I play with him.
I agree with something I read in The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge that “Our sons (and daughters) need to know that we love them, but more importantly, they need to know we like them and that we like the things they like.” I’m trying like crazy to like the things Turner likes regarding video games, but I’m having a hard time letting him get consumed.
What have other dads done? A part of me wants to put the Wii away for a couple months and re-train him on more real-world activities, and develop his desire. But I’m not ready to pull the trigger on that yet. My wife and I are on the same page, but I’m not sure we’re reading out of the right instruction manual on boys. Where do you stand with video games and your sons? Is it just me or are there other dads out there who struggle with getting their boys to engage in the physical world?
-Kevin
Pull the plug.
If you’ve noticed a change, it’s because the change is actually happening. Explain to your son why your disconnecting it, what he can do instead (or what you all will do together instead), and maybe what you’ll need to see and the expectations before he can get it back.
My boys had the same issue. We held off for a while and the grandparents got them an xbox. We set time limits with occasional longer times on the weekend, but almost inevitably it resulted in someone’s feelings getting hurt, name calling, frustration and other negative behaviors we just didn’t see before. I unplugged it and the past month has seen a huge improvement in their attitudes and physical activities. The brain sucker is gone and it matters.
Jason–Thanks for chiming in. Like you, I think the only way to really help with the transition out of video games is to offer something of great interest in it’s place, especially something we can all do together. Our biggest challenge with him if we pull the plug is his obsession with going over to another boy’s house that has a Wii. He doesn’t want to go and play with other boys that don’t have a Wii. So, if we pull the plug for him and his sister (who is 2 years older and doesn’t have the same obsession with it), we will have to work hard at providing other privileges for him that bring him joy. What are some of the things you have done with your son(s)?
*forewarning – I am only speaking from personal thought. I am in my mid 20′s with no children*
I think that it’s dangerous to blame video games solely for a childs lack of engagement in the physical world.
I believe that to remove video games completely from a boys life will do more longterm harm then good. Video games are more than just entertainment. They are culture. They are community. They are connection. Video games are often the way that boys will first connect with other children. Everyone has some sort of gaming platform. Without some game, you become an outsider in their social group.
As much as it may seem that video games are a total brain sucking apparatus. Most boys don’t understand that it is “bad” to play video games all the time. Removing them completely, makes it seem to them that they are being punished for nothing. They don’t think that they did anything wrong. Taking it, won’t MAKE them have any more of a genuine desire to be in the physical-world. They HAVE to be out there. It isn’t genuine. If you/we can instill in them the genuine desire to be a part of the physical world, then they will WANT to be a part of it.
It is a fathers responsibility to teach his son about the satisfaction found in the physical world. Every boy is different. Just because a boy doesn’t find himself enthused by playing football, basketball, baseball, you name the sport … that doesn’t mean that video games are all to blame. A father needs to come down to his son’s level and find out what he likes, as Eldredge said. It needs to be a purposeful action. Remove them from the video games, bring them into the physical realm WITH you. Don’t remove the video games from them, and force them into the physical.
Turn it into an adventure with them. Find their enjoyement, and not yours.
Matt–REALLY appreciate your comments. Before I had kids, I thought it was going to be easy to like the things they liked. I really did. Having kids and raising them to be responsible for themselves is proving more challenging than I ever imagined. I hope you will know what I’m talking about someday.
I think you are right, it’s not the video games fault. A young (or older!) boy can become obsessed with lots of different things, including physical realm things like sports. I have seen kindergartners who are obsessed with Upward basketball and won’t pass the ball to a teammate who is open because they want to try and make the shot. Or Pokemon. I see the same thing at play here–young boys want to be good and powerful at something. It is a good desire, one that I believe was placed in them by God. As in adults, though, so many times we see good desire gone bad. Obsessive/compulsive behavior and addiction are rampant in so many forms.
I like what you said about video games being the way that boys first connect with others. I certainly see that in Turner. And I certainly do not want either of my kids to think that it is “bad” to play video games. I’d just like to see moderation.
We have done many things to try and awaken Turner’s desire for physical world activities, including doing many things together, but he has genuinely been bored with them all. The only thing that seems to interest him is playing Wii. I play with him on the Wii just about every chance I get and he enjoys our dad time together. I really enjoy Mario Kart with him. As you say, it is important for me to get down to his level and like the things he likes, but that doesn’t mean I need to be as obsessed about them as he is.
I can’t wait to get out fishin’ with him as he seemed to really enjoy that last year. It’s a long time before we warm up though and until then, I think it is in our best interest to go after what is in his best interest overall, and we will continue to walk with God and ask him what is best for Turner.
Kevin, I have 5 boys and all of them have played Video games of one kind or another. The key seems to be to train them into moderation. To completely pull the plug is a knee jerk reaction that will just upset them and possibly alienate them. Success can almost always be measured in terms of balance. To be balanced in an area where either too much or none at all are not good choices means that holding them to a time period with explanation and other types of choices (boring or not), will show them exactly how balance will give every area of their life the time to flourish and properly prepare them for a balanced lifestyle.
Hey Randy–Turner’s mom and I agree that teaching moderation is the key…and to see this as a potential phase that he is growing through. I love it that he is so passionate about something. I see the goodness of that fierce desire for mastery. My prayer is that as he grows he will learn the fierce mastery of self.
Video games remain the king of children’s pastime.
I can understand your concern. I just met a doctor whose great joy is as a master of mirror surgical laparoscopy which he contributes to his life playing video games. Can you imagine cutting your hair looking through a mirror using a computerized bionic arm? No me. But, it reminds me of the amazing movie, Chariots of Fire when Eric Little said, “When I run I feel God’s pleasure.” This phrase is often quoted but there is an important part that often gets left out and that is the phrase just before when he said, “God made me fast, and…” The point is to discover that wonderful gift that God has given us, to develop the discipline to mature, hone and master that gift and enjoy feeling God’s pleasure when using it to the max. So, exploration with moderation in all godly things with help from those who love us and are able to share our joy for the glory of God is a great blessing.
Hi George-
The quote from Chariots of Fire is one of my favorites. That is so good and so true.
I’m not so sure I learned moderation very well growing up, and I feel like we are having to be overly firm in handling Turner’s time with video games. But, I agree with helping him find his passion and gifts and let him explore those in a loving environment. I do enjoy listening to Turner’s stories of overcoming the odds of a certain game. It is good to see him confident with something. Thanks again for the reply and God bless.
Kevin,
I feel your struggle, brother. My boys are only 2 1/2 and 1 1/2, but I have been thinking about this for years already. I read “Playstation Nation” and agreed with their concerns, but thought they missed the heart of why a boy loves his video games. You clearly understand his need for power, purpose, adventure, etc. Problem is, almost everyone who has responded to you so far has responded from within the context of one small historical time period and culture. Telling you that video games are an inescapable part of your son’s upbringing simply because all the other boys in western societies happen to be playing them is like saying pornography is an inescapable part of your son’s upbringing. The world is screwed up (Biblically accurate, though not the exact words you’d find in the King James…). The beginning of all your cultural struggles should start with a repetition of that mantra: The world is screwed up. It really frees you from worrying about what everyone else says is “normal”. Do you really want Turner to be “normal”? Or do you want him to shake the earth with his Christ-likeness in a way that “echoes into eternity”. I was several chapters into a book before I abandoned the project which I titled “The World’s Last Knights: Raising your children in the light of their epic destiny”. What are boys saying to us through this thirst to be powerful? Perhaps they are saying we don’t like being treated like infants with no responsibility besides school and entertaining ourselves until we are twenty-two. My metaphor is this: if my son is heir to something great (my domain, my ministry, my legacy), and he is also an heir to the King of Kings, then is my primary responsibility helping him to “have a good time”? If this were the 1200′s and I REALLY WAS A KING, and I knew that my son was destined to rule one day himself, wouldn’t that color every decision from the time he was able to hold a sword, ride a horse, study logic, poetry, politics, etc.??
I hope I’m not losing you here. Most people think, “yeah, but this is the 21st century”. So the world has taken some interesting turns and become obsessed with its own technology. Has that changed the base humanity and imago dei that your children possess? Are they somehow biologically or genetically different than a child born in the 1200′s? (besides better immunizations and cleaner teeth?)
All I’m saying brother, is dream bigger than 21st century western culture. You won’t be depriving your children. You’ll be giving them the chance to be larger than life. As C.S. Lewis reminds us, every one of us will live longer than ours or any other society – we will outlive the solar system!
Derrick–SOO GOOOD!!!! Love this…Yes, I want this for Turner. I’ve wanted this for him since before he was born (like you). I want for him what I know he is made of. I want him to live valiantly, heroically, faithful and true. I want him to turn the hearts of others to our Great King and live well in the Larger Story. My desire (and his mom’s) for these things are off the charts. We want these things for his older sister, too. What really surprised the heck out of me was that even though we pursue Turner’s heart like crazy, and we invite him to be daring, dangerous and adventurous, he is still pulled more by the culture through the kid up the street or some boy at church. This tug of war (with his obsession) has been incredibly frustrating to me. So I find this at work–give him some time on the Wii, count it as a privilege to play, and yet continue to invite him up into epic and transcendent living through adventure and outdoor activities. I’m not giving up. At some point, the tide is going to turn and he is going to see reality for what it really is. Thanks for the post. Stay in touch.